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Blue Dean

September 2015



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Nov. 16th, 2009

Time to Ramble On

[sticky post] Semi-Friends Only


This journal is semi-friends only. My created works--fictions, art, videos--will be open to the public, but certain personal posts will be f-locked. Anyone may add me, but to be added back, read the guidelines following the cut and then leave a comment:
  Thanks and I hope you enjoy my journal!!!

Sep. 7th, 2015

Blue Dean

Supermassive Apologies

This is me trying to break my paralyzing stasis here by apologizing profusely for never personally responding to each lovely comment left on my last few posts. The only explanation I have to give is: 1) I didn't feel like talking much at the time and, 2) It took too much of me to formulate any words that I felt would be appropriate and of equal measure to the kind emotion being extended to me....and, as result, I became stuck in silence.

I do want to start making some updates soon, starting with sharing the transformation of my classroom and a brief update on my dad--but I knew I could never do any of that without first apologizing. I hope to pull myself up by the bootstraps long enough to respond to some of the messages still left abandoned on my prior posts. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Its so hard, once inertia has set in, to get the ball rolling uphill again and, while I'm doing okay emotionally, physically I am (and stay) utterly exhausted. I don't know why that is, just that it is. But, I am trying. Okay? Okay. Much love and gratitude to you all. Each one of you has been missed.

Jun. 19th, 2015


My Dad's Diagnosis

So, Dad has stage four lung cancer, which isn't curable. He is not a surgical candidate, but they want to try to do chemo in order to slow the cancer down. The doctor says he will probably live about six more months without treatment and maybe nine months with treatment. So, not a good prognosis.

Dad's been back in the hospital the last couple of days with pneumonia (which I think is common with lung cancer) and possible congestive heart failure. The doctor does not want to say for sure if he has the CHF until the pneumonia is cleared up because they can't be sure how much of his symptoms are a result of the pneumonia. He was supposed to go for his first chemo treatment on Monday, but that has to be rescheduled until he is well. We're hoping he can come home tomorrow. Last week he had to go up to the hospital to have fluid drained away from his lungs--which is something he may have to have done again from now on.

Dad's been quiet since his diagnosis. I really think he believed it was going to be okay, that it wasn't cancer or that it would not be so bad and I think its been hard for him to adjust to just how bad it is. Neither he or my mom know about the specific time predictions, but I'm sure they understand that stage four cancer is not good. The difference in my dad in the last two weeks has been very noticeable. He just looks sad and exhausted, doesn't seem interested in anything. His appetite isn't good and he sleeps a lot. With him being sick, its hard to tell if he's just been feeling bad or if he's depressed, but its really hard to see this happening to him and imagining how he must feel.

Anyway, that's what's going on and that's why I'm not talking much. Don't really feel like talking and I don't really care about fandom things right now. I don't know if or when that'll change, but I don't foresee anything different for the time being. I'm not angry or anything, but I'm sad, stressed, overwhelmed and I don't know how to process this. The idea that this most likely will be my dad's last summer, last Father's Day, last everything that happens, hangs over my head all the time. My dad loves summer--loves his garden, loves fishing, etc. It sucks that he's been too sick recently to enjoy those things one last time. I really hope he perks up once the pneumonia is gone.

My mom can bearly hear anything right now and phone calls from the doctor's office send her into an outer orbit of panic (she can't understand anything over the phone). I don't know why this is THE thing that really gets her going, but it is. She's supposed to get her hearing aids fixed soon, so hopefully that helps because I can't keep doing weekly freak outs. Of course, we've been busy, too. We've been working on my classroom, taking care of things for my mom, running to the hospital (which is an hour away), and stuff like that.

I wasn't able to get a ride to the hospital today to visit Dad (we don't trust my car to go that far), so we went for a slow drive on the back roads and that helped for a while. It felt good to feel happy in the moment for just a little bit. I wish so hard, with every fiber of my being that we could move into the country (well, even more country than our rural small town). Nature helps me to find my center and feel calm--something I need very badly right now. We saw some deer, a turkey, a mama pig with some piglets and a bunch of rabbits. Of course, I talked to all the cows close enough to the road because they always look at you like they're actually listening, lol. Big ol' brown eyes looking so curious and sincere. Anyway.

Apologies for all replies I haven't responded to, but know I do read and appreciate all of you (as always).

May. 29th, 2015

Blue Dean

Update on Dad

Sorry I've not gotten the replies sent out on everything, but I'm doing what I do best and that means just kinda freezing up on all social interaction. They did a biopsy on a spot they found on Dad's lung yesterday. Today they told us it was confirmed as cancer. I don't know how bad the situation is, only that it is confirmed as cancer. He's supposed to have an appointment on Tuesday to go over treatment plans.

My dad actually seems to be feeling fine and is in good humor. Since they've increased his blood thinner, the knot under his arm and the swelling of his arm has gone down and it’s no longer hurting him. I guess they're hoping the blood thinner will dissolve the clot before any more pieces can break off. *crosses fingers* Mostly, they seem to be focused on the cancer more than the blood clot.

I honestly don't know how I'm feeling right now because it seems like this entire week has just been one, long waiting game. I've spent a lot of time at the hospital so I've been missing being home with my own family (there's not enough room for all of us to catch a ride up and our car isn't trustworthy enough to make the drive). I think I'm starting to get depressed due to the stressfulness of all of it. The situation is stressful enough, but dealing with everyone else's stress and idiosyncrasies has also been extremely stressful since I'm super sensitive to that kind of thing. It's like I can almost feel my blood pressure rising due to the continuing stress.

A part of me is kinda angry too. It's selfish, I know, but I'm just so sick of every time I feel like I'm about to get a reprieve and like maybe I'm physically feeling better myself, about to get life back on track, something comes along and crushes those happy feelings and sends me into a new setback.

Anyway, I’d like to thank all of you for your thoughts, kind words and prayers. I appreciate it so, so much. My dad is mostly being a trooper, but my mom is stressing herself and all of us out. She’s the uptight type anyway and you can practically feel the anxiety rolling off of her right now.

She’s been in some denial about how bad this could be, but she’s also worrying about all the different things a person in her place would worry about—how to deal with Dad if he doesn’t want treatment, how to deal with Dad if he has treatment but it makes him really sick, how to deal with making him behave himself and, of course, she worries about how much all this will end up costing. So they both need healing and supportive prayers.

*hugs* to you all and thank you so much again.

May. 26th, 2015

Blue Dean

Prayers, please.

Hi everyone, I know I've been absent quite a bit once again, but the end of the school year and getting my stuff boxed up and moved from the middle school over to the high school took a lot of time and effort (and I'm still not done even though school finished up last week). But, I come to you for a personal request. If you believe, I'd sure appreciate your prayers for my dad and my family.

Sunday afternoon he had a TIA while we were all there for dinner. For those who don't know, a TIA is a often called a mini-stroke, but what is actually a warning stroke. They don't have any lasting effects, but they warn of the danger of a major stroke coming. We took him to a local hospital where he was then transferred to the big hospital in Joplin. They've done an ultrasound of his arm and found a big blood clot running from just under his arm up to his jugular vein.

They called in a specialist who says they don't plan to remove it because its old and is not as much of a danger as if it was new. The really bad thing is that they seem more concerned about this spot they found under his arm that has caused the blood clot. That and they've found a spot on his lungs. I don't know how bad it is because my mom is refusing to talk about it until we all get up there this evening, but I'm thinking the news is pretty bad. Otherwise, she'd surely just tell us on the phone. Since I'm expecting bad news, I don't know when I'll be back around and I don't know what exactly to ask prayers for, but I just wanted to let you all know what's going on and ask you to keep us all in mind when you pray.

My family is a really close family--we all live within 15 minutes of each other and we all come to my parents every Sunday to eat. We've all always depended on our dad for so much in life. He's always been the one we go to for any project around the house, lawn mower repairs, electrical repairs...just all those kinds of things. My dad's a really smart guy and he's always been good at that kind of thing. He also always puts out a big garden every summer and shares the food from it. It's usually a big part of our Sunday family dinners during the growing season. Not only that, but he's just always been there to help his kids out any way he could. I don't know how to express how much we all rely on and love him and how much our lives will change if something happens to him.

I know we all have to let go of our aging parents at some point, but I also know I'll never be ready. Not ever.

Thanks in advance for your well-wishes and prayers. Like I said, I don't really know when I'll be back around--it depends on how bad the news turns out to be. I'm really hoping we'll get up there and it won't be as bad as all this, but I just don't know.

*hugs* to you all.

Apr. 27th, 2015

Blue Dean

Is It Friday Yet?

Wow, y'all, I totally broke my posting streak. :(

What can I say? It was a really, really busy week last week fraught with mucho stress-o-rama. Then, I caught a lovely stomach bug over the weekend, missed my great-niece's birthday because of it and generally felt miserable. Sipped on my gingerale and some Pepto, had a little soup and slept or watched TV--that was my weekend. Today we started state testing at our school and this is our first year to do it online--which meant mucho-mucho stress-o-rama because, of course, nothing worked right. *sigh*

So, I've got some catching up to do with everyone, but I don't know when. I hope I'll start feeling better soon because I really want to turn over a new leaf and keep myself a little more up-to-date...and I still got that other chapter that's waiting for me to finish up the edits.

Did I mention the ants got to my chocolate chip cookies within two hours of them being put--unopened--into the cabinet? No, yum, yummies for me.

*collapses in a gelatinous blop on the couch*

Apr. 20th, 2015

Blue Dean

Fail! & Miscellaneous

For a little while now, I 've had two personal e-mail accounts--a Yahoo account and an Outlook account my Windows 8.1 insisted on. Those of you who know me well, know I kinda suck at keeping up with things--I'm horribly scattered--so obviously that wasn't working out so well. So, I combined them. I now have all of my Yahoo mail forwarded to my Outlook account so I only have ONE personal e-mail account to check (not including my work e-mail).

Anyway. I decided now that I have the two accounts combined, it was time to go through the accumulated e-mail and do some "spring cleaning." Ugh. I'm so horribly embarrassed and ashamed of all the reviews and LJ comments I've never replied to! I had NO idea I was this far behind. I've gone through and answered some, but I wanted to make a post to apologize one more time for the lack of response on my part. I keep telling myself every time I get caught up that I will never let it get out of control again...and, yet, it always does. *hangs head in failure* My most sincere regrets on that.

In other news, I've decided to make Mother's Day gifts for my mom, sister and oldest niece. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've gotten into the essential oils--what I didn't meniton is my new interest in Pinterest and all the DIY projects there. I ordered the stuff I'll need and plan on making body butter, bath fizzies and sugar scrub for the hands.

I think for the body butter, I'll scent it with an essential oil blend that is especially for calming and helping with stress. I thought it would be nice to use before bedtime. For the bath fizzies, I think I'll use lavendar for my mom and niece and something blended for tranquilty for my sister (she thinks she might be allergic to lavender). For the sugar scrub, I haven't really decided, but I was thinking about adding lemon so they can keep it in the kitchen to use. I thought the lemon would help neutralize any bad sents on their hands from cooking jobs. I hope it all turns out well and it ends up being something they can really use and enjoy. It doesn't sound hard to make any of it and I found a good deal on Ball jelly jars to store the body butter and scrub.

Wish me luck on my DIY projects. Hope you all have a great week!

Apr. 17th, 2015

Blue Dean

What Comes After, Chapter 8B, SPN Fic

...continued from part a:

ImpalaBAR final

Lori heard the rumble of Dean's car outside and stopped mid-pace to hurry to the backdoor. Her apartment was really an old, two-story house with outside access to each level, the kitchen being shared with the people upstairs who never seemed to be around. Her living area took up most of the bottom floor and had a small space for parking around the back of the house where the familiar black car was currently rolling to a stop. This was a good thing since they'd be able to come and go from the house without disturbing or being disturbed.

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Blue Dean

What Comes After, Chapter 8A, SPN Fic

banner by jessicarae24

Title: What Comes After
Author: November'sGuest
Character's: Sam and Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore, Sam's Stanford friends (most OCs), and a brief appearance by Missouri Mosley.
Category: Hurt/Comfort, Horror, Angst, and AU
Rating: T (PG-13)
Spoilers: None beyond second season if any…it's pretty much AU.
Disclaimer: Supernatural and its characters are the property of Eric Kripke and the CW. This is solely written for fun…obviously no profit made.
Summary: Sam and Dean travel to Stanford to investigate recent deaths of college students after receiving a call from Rebecca Warren. Meanwhile, as Dean recovers from his injuries, his new and bizarre visions of Jessica continue to haunt him and Sam. Sequel to "The Wake-Up Call."


A/N: As always, my apologies if I haven't responded yet to private messages or reviews and, most importantly, for the delayed update. I've had this chapter ready to post for several months, but I wanted to get the next one ready to go so you all wouldn't kill me for leaving you on a cliffy. Actually, my friend,gaelicspirit (who I want to thank for looking at this chapter long, long ago) was the one who warned me I'd better not leave you all to suffer from a big delay between these two chapters. :)

Also, I want to thank
sodakey for beta reading it for me and helping me to improve it in many, many ways. I'm ever so grateful for her edits and her advice. All mistakes are mine as I do go over it again before posting.

The chapter after this one has been beta read by the amazing sodakey, but I'm still working on the edits I received this week. It should be up before too much longer, depending on what life hits me with over the next several days. If you wonder what my delays and issues are, please wander through my update tags--I don't want to bore you with a page of writer woes here.

Just know I really, really do appreciate each and every person reading this and, especially, each and every review and message left for me. In fact, I want you to know that the main reason this story is continuing despite the marathon of writerly torture its become is because of those of you who leave reviews and send me private messages encouraging me to keep going. Part of it is my determination to finish the thing, but even that gets bogged down in despair at times. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for lifting me up with your kind words. I hope you enjoy this latest installment.

The title of this chapter is a reference to the song of the same name by The National. While the lyrics really have nothing to do with the chapter, it did seem appropriate in some ways and it was also a song I listened to a lot while editing this chapter. And to sum up my feelings on posting this, I leave you with these lyrics:

"The fear has gripped me, but here I go

My heart sinks as I jump up

Your hand grips hand as my eyes shut."

~Alt-J (Breezeblocks)

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Apr. 15th, 2015

I like!

I've Got Plans!

So, I worked up a mock up of what I'm thinking about for my new classroom next year (mentioned here). I'm thinking something along these lines (sorry for the blurriness):
Plans Calander

More decorations and posters:
Mock Up Deco

And, I've thought about trying to make a tabletop fountain rather than buying one already made. Maybe. Maybe not.

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