Blue Dean

April 2015



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Nov. 16th, 2009

Time to Ramble On

[sticky post] Semi-Friends Only


This journal is semi-friends only. My created works--fictions, art, videos--will be open to the public, but certain personal posts will be f-locked. Anyone may add me, but to be added back, read the guidelines following the cut and then leave a comment:
  Thanks and I hope you enjoy my journal!!!

Apr. 27th, 2015

Blue Dean

Is It Friday Yet?

Wow, y'all, I totally broke my posting streak. :(

What can I say? It was a really, really busy week last week fraught with mucho stress-o-rama. Then, I caught a lovely stomach bug over the weekend, missed my great-niece's birthday because of it and generally felt miserable. Sipped on my gingerale and some Pepto, had a little soup and slept or watched TV--that was my weekend. Today we started state testing at our school and this is our first year to do it online--which meant mucho-mucho stress-o-rama because, of course, nothing worked right. *sigh*

So, I've got some catching up to do with everyone, but I don't know when. I hope I'll start feeling better soon because I really want to turn over a new leaf and keep myself a little more up-to-date...and I still got that other chapter that's waiting for me to finish up the edits.

Did I mention the ants got to my chocolate chip cookies within two hours of them being put--unopened--into the cabinet? No, yum, yummies for me.

*collapses in a gelatinous blop on the couch*

Apr. 20th, 2015

Blue Dean

Fail! & Miscellaneous

For a little while now, I 've had two personal e-mail accounts--a Yahoo account and an Outlook account my Windows 8.1 insisted on. Those of you who know me well, know I kinda suck at keeping up with things--I'm horribly scattered--so obviously that wasn't working out so well. So, I combined them. I now have all of my Yahoo mail forwarded to my Outlook account so I only have ONE personal e-mail account to check (not including my work e-mail).

Anyway. I decided now that I have the two accounts combined, it was time to go through the accumulated e-mail and do some "spring cleaning." Ugh. I'm so horribly embarrassed and ashamed of all the reviews and LJ comments I've never replied to! I had NO idea I was this far behind. I've gone through and answered some, but I wanted to make a post to apologize one more time for the lack of response on my part. I keep telling myself every time I get caught up that I will never let it get out of control again...and, yet, it always does. *hangs head in failure* My most sincere regrets on that.

In other news, I've decided to make Mother's Day gifts for my mom, sister and oldest niece. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've gotten into the essential oils--what I didn't meniton is my new interest in Pinterest and all the DIY projects there. I ordered the stuff I'll need and plan on making body butter, bath fizzies and sugar scrub for the hands.

I think for the body butter, I'll scent it with an essential oil blend that is especially for calming and helping with stress. I thought it would be nice to use before bedtime. For the bath fizzies, I think I'll use lavendar for my mom and niece and something blended for tranquilty for my sister (she thinks she might be allergic to lavender). For the sugar scrub, I haven't really decided, but I was thinking about adding lemon so they can keep it in the kitchen to use. I thought the lemon would help neutralize any bad sents on their hands from cooking jobs. I hope it all turns out well and it ends up being something they can really use and enjoy. It doesn't sound hard to make any of it and I found a good deal on Ball jelly jars to store the body butter and scrub.

Wish me luck on my DIY projects. Hope you all have a great week!

Apr. 17th, 2015

Blue Dean

What Comes After, Chapter 8B, SPN Fic

...continued from part a:

ImpalaBAR final

Lori heard the rumble of Dean's car outside and stopped mid-pace to hurry to the backdoor. Her apartment was really an old, two-story house with outside access to each level, the kitchen being shared with the people upstairs who never seemed to be around. Her living area took up most of the bottom floor and had a small space for parking around the back of the house where the familiar black car was currently rolling to a stop. This was a good thing since they'd be able to come and go from the house without disturbing or being disturbed.

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Blue Dean

What Comes After, Chapter 8A, SPN Fic

banner by jessicarae24

Title: What Comes After
Author: November'sGuest
Character's: Sam and Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore, Sam's Stanford friends (most OCs), and a brief appearance by Missouri Mosley.
Category: Hurt/Comfort, Horror, Angst, and AU
Rating: T (PG-13)
Spoilers: None beyond second season if any…it's pretty much AU.
Disclaimer: Supernatural and its characters are the property of Eric Kripke and the CW. This is solely written for fun…obviously no profit made.
Summary: Sam and Dean travel to Stanford to investigate recent deaths of college students after receiving a call from Rebecca Warren. Meanwhile, as Dean recovers from his injuries, his new and bizarre visions of Jessica continue to haunt him and Sam. Sequel to "The Wake-Up Call."


A/N: As always, my apologies if I haven't responded yet to private messages or reviews and, most importantly, for the delayed update. I've had this chapter ready to post for several months, but I wanted to get the next one ready to go so you all wouldn't kill me for leaving you on a cliffy. Actually, my friend,gaelicspirit (who I want to thank for looking at this chapter long, long ago) was the one who warned me I'd better not leave you all to suffer from a big delay between these two chapters. :)

Also, I want to thank
sodakey for beta reading it for me and helping me to improve it in many, many ways. I'm ever so grateful for her edits and her advice. All mistakes are mine as I do go over it again before posting.

The chapter after this one has been beta read by the amazing sodakey, but I'm still working on the edits I received this week. It should be up before too much longer, depending on what life hits me with over the next several days. If you wonder what my delays and issues are, please wander through my update tags--I don't want to bore you with a page of writer woes here.

Just know I really, really do appreciate each and every person reading this and, especially, each and every review and message left for me. In fact, I want you to know that the main reason this story is continuing despite the marathon of writerly torture its become is because of those of you who leave reviews and send me private messages encouraging me to keep going. Part of it is my determination to finish the thing, but even that gets bogged down in despair at times. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for lifting me up with your kind words. I hope you enjoy this latest installment.

The title of this chapter is a reference to the song of the same name by The National. While the lyrics really have nothing to do with the chapter, it did seem appropriate in some ways and it was also a song I listened to a lot while editing this chapter. And to sum up my feelings on posting this, I leave you with these lyrics:

"The fear has gripped me, but here I go

My heart sinks as I jump up

Your hand grips hand as my eyes shut."

~Alt-J (Breezeblocks)

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Apr. 15th, 2015

I like!

I've Got Plans!

So, I worked up a mock up of what I'm thinking about for my new classroom next year (mentioned here). I'm thinking something along these lines (sorry for the blurriness):
Plans Calander

More decorations and posters:
Mock Up Deco

And, I've thought about trying to make a tabletop fountain rather than buying one already made. Maybe. Maybe not.

"Oh please don't go--we'll eat you up--we love you so!" ~Maurice Sendak

"Breezeblocks" by Alt-J was based on this favorite children's book, Where the Wild Things Are.

[Verse 1]
She may contain the urge to run away
But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks
Cetirizine, your fever’s gripped me again
Never kisses, all you ever send are fullstops (la la la la)
Do you know where the wilds things go
They go along to take your honey (la la la la)
Break down, now weep,
Build up breakfast, now let’s eat
My love, my love, love, love (la la la la)

Muscle to muscle and toe to toe
The fear has gripped me, but here I go
My heart sinks as I jump up
Your hand grips hand as my eyes shut
Ahhh ahhh ahhh ah ah – ahhh ahhh ahhh ah ah

[Verse 2]
Do you know where the wilds things go
They go along to take your honey (la la la la)
Break down, now sleep,
Build up breakfast, now let’s eat
My love, my love, love, love (la la la la)
She bruises, coughs, she splutters pistol shots
But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks
She’s morphine, queen of my vaccine
My love, my love, love, love - la la la la


[Verse 3]
She may contain the urge to run away
But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks
Germolene, disinfect the scene
My love, my love, love, love
Please don't go, I love you so... My lovely

Please don't go, please don't go
I love you so, I love you so
Please don't go, please don't go
I love you so, I love you so
Please break my heart...

Please don’t go, I’ll eat you whole
I love you so [Repeated]
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Apr. 14th, 2015


Echoing Off the Walls

Wow, this place is beyond dead. Like, really, really. Not even my friends page is doing much and its so sad to see everyone pretty much gone. I feel so displaced, like this is just a remnant from another era or something but time forgot to find me a new home. Had some really good times here on LJ and made some cool friends, but I guess all things have their season. Still like being here more than Tumblr (minus the pretty pictures I find there).
Tags: ,
BW Dean Smith

House Cleaning

It's weird how I went from radio silence for such a long time and then someone comes along and gently prods me into posting (thank you, dear friend, your interest in what's going on with me is appreciated) and I go nuts!

Anyway. I spent some time last night cleaning up my tags and links. I tried to simplify the tags so there are less of them. On the links, I updated them to include my most recent Tumblr addition, Mostly-Dean (a gift url from Mostly-Jensen), and I changed some links that were really old and unnecessary.

At some point, I hope to get some time to go through my friends list and see who is actually still around--but today is not that day! :)
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Apr. 13th, 2015

Monsters After Me

Is Fear Stealing My Writing Joy?

If you're not writing, you're not a writer.

I've seen this quote often on various writing advice sites and it always makes me feel bad because I'm not writing much--I'm probably doing more editing than anything else. And, as you know, I have a lot of exuses I tell myself about why (some are legitimate). Lately, the biggest excuse has been because I don't want to bother anyone about beta reading my work, but I also don't want to post with only my edits. Today, I read an article from The Write Practice titled "Why You're Not Writing" and realized that fear is the basic struggle behind most of my excuses. Fear. I read that and it resonated enough that I felt caught out.

I once took one of those Facebook quizzes about what was the primary emotion you lived your life by, or something to that effect, and mine was fear. Until I took that quiz, I had never really given it much thought, but, afterward, I started noticing that it was totally true. Fear is the main motivating factor in a lot of things I do or don't do. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, fear of disappointment, fear of being a disappointment, fear of not being good enough, fear of being wrong, fear of being stuck in an endless rut--just fear everywhere.

So, I thought about how fear applies to my writing...or lack thereof. One of the reasons I haven't been getting my WIP updated in a timely fashion is because I don't want to be a burden on the couple of people who are willing to beta read for me. Both people are people I consider to be friends and both people are extremely busy with their jobs and whatever else real life is throwing at them. I mentioned this just this last weekend in my update post. I hate bothering them with it because I don't want to impose. Fear of being an annoyance or fear that I'm putting a friend in the position of "humoring" me so my feelings don't get hurt.

Of course, I could always edit it myself and post it without a beta read--I guess its general practice for some people to rely only on their own edits. The very thought of doing that, though, paralyzes me with--you guessed it--fear. The idea that my work is not good enough on its own, that I must have someone else tell me what I need to fix so it'll be good enough. The fear that the advice I get is the only thing that makes it good enough to post. Fear that anything less than as perfect as I am capable of making it is not good enough. Fear that my grammar/punctuation/plot mistakes will make me look stupid.

Fear is holding me back.

What's worse? I don't know what to do about it. It's not easy to see the problem and then fix it when it requires repeated courage gathering. This is a lifelong practice of mine that I've not had a lot of success defeating. I let my fear defeat me over and over again and not just in writing--in anything that instills fear in me. I don't put myself out there in life, I don't take risks, I don't meet people, I don't draw attention to myself and the idea of changing that scares me. I'm not brave in the face of my insecurities. In fact, I'd say the only time I face my fears is when I'm given no other choice (and that doesn't happen often). I guess its not really a stretch to see why I suffer from anxiety.

I'm glad I read that article today. If nothing else comes of it, it was a good exercise in acknowledging the truth in myself. Acknowledgement, acceptance and ownership is the first steps of recovery, right? Still, I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I can push myself far enough out of my comfort zone to post unbeta'd. I also don't know if I can make myself ask for what I need from other people should the first option fail. Either way, I'll just leave this here to remind myself that I'm letting fear ruin something I enjoy, something that helps release the creative need that builds up in me.

I hope some day I can learn to be brave.

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