JenSideBW

June 2014

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Acceptance and Hope for The New Year

Dear LJ, I just saw this on Facebook:

"Sometimes you got to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they used to be." ~unknown

It's strange how the perfect advice will randomly appear at the exact right moment. As you know, LJ, 2013 was a tough year. I kicked off last January really sick with kidney stuff (nearly septic again) and ended up with two lithotripsies and a major case of depression/anxiety after that. I barely made it to summer vacation intact and then spent a large part of the summer wondering why I should get out of bed and then convincing myself to do so for the kids' sake. Had anxiety attacks to the point I thought I was having a heart attack a few times. Along the way, I damaged a friendship, perhaps forever, I lost interest in pretty much everything I used to enjoy and became this person I don't really know. My job went from doable to miserable...and I'm learning its not so easy to find a new one. And Supernatural, my passion? I don't even wanna talk about it. Kevin. Dean's misery. Enough said. *wibbles*

Months later and here I am facing another new year and, while things are better, they're not the same by a long shot. I'm not the same and no matter how much I want to go back to being the person I was before 2013 happened, it doesn't seem possible. I've agonized over it, pondered it, tried to change it, prayed about it--but I'm beginning to think maybe I have to accept things as they are. My friendships are fewer--hard to keep them going when you are too busy being too self-involved--my hobbies different. I'm less easygoing and more pessimistic--my emotions are more erratic and I don't think I'm as nice as I used to be. I am also less healthy--gained back the 20 lbs I'd lost in 2012 and am in worse physical condition than ever before....and what's worse, I find it hard to really care outside the fact that I'm far too old to be letting myself get so out of shape. Risk factors and all being what they are for me.

What about the writing, you ask? Well. I have failed spectacularly to keep up with my WIP posting as I had promised and have nearly stopped replying to "review/reminders" because I'm so shamefaced. I think about writing and read about writing ALL the time--but no actual writing. Didn't even participate in NaNo this year. I don't know how to pick it back up--I'm insecure, frozen and my concentration is shot. I used to be able to work some writing time in at work because that was the best place for me to write concentration-wise, but that's not gonna happen anymore--not with what they've done with my schedule. I'm too rushed in the mornings and I spend my afternoons babysitting--yes, babysitting--an autistic student that really belongs in state school. I keep hoping we'll get into a routine together and maybe she'll have some calm days I can use for writing time (might as well since I'm sitting there doing nothing but waiting for her to have a freak out), but even when she's calm, I spend the whole time on guard waiting for a freak out!

I don't want to give up on hoping for things--but its hard. I feel pretty hopeless, pretty stuck, pretty lonely sometimes. I feel closed off and dug in deep. I feel like I cannot be satisfied/happy with the way things currently are even though I don't see any solutions. I need some opportunities for better things to come along. So, my prayers for this new year are for it to bring me the peace of being able to accept that things can't go back the way they were and to stop wishing for it, but, also, for some good opportunities to present themselves to take me in a better direction...one I can live with. With that, I pray for the wisdom and courage to recognize and seize those opportunities/relationships.

Its another new year. I hope its a better year--for all of us, because I'm not so out of touch or ignorant to assume I'm the only one. May we all find ourselves in a better place this time next year.

Comments

Oh yes please! I want us all to be in a better place this time next year! 2013 was made of suckage for so many people I care about!

One of my old Bible teachers said regarding the full armour of God the Bible describes does not mention any back protection since we're to always face our problems and not turn our backs and try to get away. I always thought that was a good way to put it. Whatever happens this year, we'll face it head on and with each other's prayers and support.

Love you! <3

Well, it certainly doesn't seem to do much good to dwell in the past, lol!

I figure 2014 has got to be a little better--I like even numbers--at least, I hope so for all of us. Such a rough year last year for so many people and so many reasons. Hope you're staying warm...quite a winter storm heading through here and headed your way. Brrrr!

Oh, and, (((HUGS)))

Edited at 2014-01-05 03:24 am (UTC)
Oh sweetie...my heart goes out to you.

May this year be a better one for us all.

*hugs you hard*
*hugs back* Thank you....its good to have LJ friends. :)
HUGS!!!! I don't have any answers, I am just here to let you know you are heard and missed. I will keep you in my prayers.
I don't think there are any answers to be had right now. I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to be learning or why things are as they are. I just know I don't want to waste life being unhappy (mostly with my job).

As for the rest, I suspect I'm not quite as easy to live with as I once was, but I try to take deep breaths and keep things in perspective. For all I know, I could be more exciting now, I'm not quite so passive and mellow 24/7. Silver lining? LOL!

Thank you for letting me be heard--and do pray. I need for the job situation to get better, either the one I have or a new one. I don't want to feel so much dread about having to go everyday. That's no good for anyone and doesn't help with the emotions.

How are you?

(((HUGS)))
That's a great prayer. I think I'll give that one a try too. Praying for acceptance, for peace, for good opportunities and I'll add living in the moment, that is not dwelling on the past and worrying so much about the future (or to be more blunt when I want be here for my girls).
One thing this long year has taught me, is to try and live in the moment a little more and appreciate time with people. Time is passing so quickly and there are no guarantees. I don't know if its my age or this last year, but I keenly feel the passage of time and how fast its gonna go on by. My kids are growing up on me and its kinda breaking my heart. I want them to grow up and be happy, but I'm sure gonna miss them being all mine. And then there's my parents getting older every day.

Also, I feel like I'm at that point in life where how well I take care of myself determines length and quality of life. Which is why I feel frustrated to find myself so unhealthy (in terms of diet and exercise). I haven't found a solution to that stalemate.

Anyway, I'll gladly share my prayer with you. Without knowing the ins and outs, I hope that you find that peace, acceptance and the opportunities you need. And living in the moment is always good practice for everyone.

*hugs you* Hope you are well.



Edited at 2014-01-05 07:58 am (UTC)
I can't do much about it but here comes a hug --> (())

May it be of your assistance.

Thank you...it might not seem like much, but to me it means a lot. I might still be stumbling around in the dark, but its so much less scary with a friend. :)