Acceptance and Hope for The New Year
Dear LJ, I just saw this on Facebook:
"Sometimes you got to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they used to be." ~unknown
It's strange how the perfect advice will randomly appear at the exact right moment. As you know, LJ, 2013 was a tough year. I kicked off last January really sick with kidney stuff (nearly septic again) and ended up with two lithotripsies and a major case of depression/anxiety after that. I barely made it to summer vacation intact and then spent a large part of the summer wondering why I should get out of bed and then convincing myself to do so for the kids' sake. Had anxiety attacks to the point I thought I was having a heart attack a few times. Along the way, I damaged a friendship, perhaps forever, I lost interest in pretty much everything I used to enjoy and became this person I don't really know. My job went from doable to miserable...and I'm learning its not so easy to find a new one. And Supernatural, my passion? I don't even wanna talk about it. Kevin. Dean's misery. Enough said. *wibbles*
Months later and here I am facing another new year and, while things are better, they're not the same by a long shot. I'm not the same and no matter how much I want to go back to being the person I was before 2013 happened, it doesn't seem possible. I've agonized over it, pondered it, tried to change it, prayed about it--but I'm beginning to think maybe I have to accept things as they are. My friendships are fewer--hard to keep them going when you are too busy being too self-involved--my hobbies different. I'm less easygoing and more pessimistic--my emotions are more erratic and I don't think I'm as nice as I used to be. I am also less healthy--gained back the 20 lbs I'd lost in 2012 and am in worse physical condition than ever before....and what's worse, I find it hard to really care outside the fact that I'm far too old to be letting myself get so out of shape. Risk factors and all being what they are for me.
What about the writing, you ask? Well. I have failed spectacularly to keep up with my WIP posting as I had promised and have nearly stopped replying to "review/reminders" because I'm so shamefaced. I think about writing and read about writing ALL the time--but no actual writing. Didn't even participate in NaNo this year. I don't know how to pick it back up--I'm insecure, frozen and my concentration is shot. I used to be able to work some writing time in at work because that was the best place for me to write concentration-wise, but that's not gonna happen anymore--not with what they've done with my schedule. I'm too rushed in the mornings and I spend my afternoons babysitting--yes, babysitting--an autistic student that really belongs in state school. I keep hoping we'll get into a routine together and maybe she'll have some calm days I can use for writing time (might as well since I'm sitting there doing nothing but waiting for her to have a freak out), but even when she's calm, I spend the whole time on guard waiting for a freak out!
I don't want to give up on hoping for things--but its hard. I feel pretty hopeless, pretty stuck, pretty lonely sometimes. I feel closed off and dug in deep. I feel like I cannot be satisfied/happy with the way things currently are even though I don't see any solutions. I need some opportunities for better things to come along. So, my prayers for this new year are for it to bring me the peace of being able to accept that things can't go back the way they were and to stop wishing for it, but, also, for some good opportunities to present themselves to take me in a better direction...one I can live with. With that, I pray for the wisdom and courage to recognize and seize those opportunities/relationships.
Its another new year. I hope its a better year--for all of us, because I'm not so out of touch or ignorant to assume I'm the only one. May we all find ourselves in a better place this time next year.