Dad's been back in the hospital the last couple of days with pneumonia (which I think is common with lung cancer) and possible congestive heart failure. The doctor does not want to say for sure if he has the CHF until the pneumonia is cleared up because they can't be sure how much of his symptoms are a result of the pneumonia. He was supposed to go for his first chemo treatment on Monday, but that has to be rescheduled until he is well. We're hoping he can come home tomorrow. Last week he had to go up to the hospital to have fluid drained away from his lungs--which is something he may have to have done again from now on.
Dad's been quiet since his diagnosis. I really think he believed it was going to be okay, that it wasn't cancer or that it would not be so bad and I think its been hard for him to adjust to just how bad it is. Neither he or my mom know about the specific time predictions, but I'm sure they understand that stage four cancer is not good. The difference in my dad in the last two weeks has been very noticeable. He just looks sad and exhausted, doesn't seem interested in anything. His appetite isn't good and he sleeps a lot. With him being sick, its hard to tell if he's just been feeling bad or if he's depressed, but its really hard to see this happening to him and imagining how he must feel.
Anyway, that's what's going on and that's why I'm not talking much. Don't really feel like talking and I don't really care about fandom things right now. I don't know if or when that'll change, but I don't foresee anything different for the time being. I'm not angry or anything, but I'm sad, stressed, overwhelmed and I don't know how to process this. The idea that this most likely will be my dad's last summer, last Father's Day, last everything that happens, hangs over my head all the time. My dad loves summer--loves his garden, loves fishing, etc. It sucks that he's been too sick recently to enjoy those things one last time. I really hope he perks up once the pneumonia is gone.
My mom can bearly hear anything right now and phone calls from the doctor's office send her into an outer orbit of panic (she can't understand anything over the phone). I don't know why this is THE thing that really gets her going, but it is. She's supposed to get her hearing aids fixed soon, so hopefully that helps because I can't keep doing weekly freak outs. Of course, we've been busy, too. We've been working on my classroom, taking care of things for my mom, running to the hospital (which is an hour away), and stuff like that.
I wasn't able to get a ride to the hospital today to visit Dad (we don't trust my car to go that far), so we went for a slow drive on the back roads and that helped for a while. It felt good to feel happy in the moment for just a little bit. I wish so hard, with every fiber of my being that we could move into the country (well, even more country than our rural small town). Nature helps me to find my center and feel calm--something I need very badly right now. We saw some deer, a turkey, a mama pig with some piglets and a bunch of rabbits. Of course, I talked to all the cows close enough to the road because they always look at you like they're actually listening, lol. Big ol' brown eyes looking so curious and sincere. Anyway.
Apologies for all replies I haven't responded to, but know I do read and appreciate all of you (as always).