But, I feel a mixture of guilt and intimidation about the whole thing. I feel guilt because I still have "What Comes After" left hanging open and it's been months and months since I updated. I have been working on it and the next chapter is halfway finished....but I don't see how I could possibly get any work done on it at all if I participate in NaNoWriMo. And, there are promises I've made to people that I have yet to keep. About three promises in fact. Part of the problem was the replacement of my hard drive--I just recently got my Photoshop working again. Part of the problem is I haven't been getting enough sleep the last three weeks, so I've been doing a lot of procrastinating on anything that was not vitally necessary or that required a significant chunk of time.
I also feel intimidated. So many people take this thing so seriously, making outlines and knowing where they're going with things. They've got a plan and I've got vague ideas. Plus, there are so many writers participating who are so much better than I...so that makes me pause. If I were to do this thing, it would be just to do it with no worries about quality. The only way I would stand any kind of a chance to get this accomplished is if I set aside worries about whether or not it makes sense, has a strong plot and is well written. To get that many words done a week, I'd have to just write with complete abandon and no worry for mistakes or if it's even good or not...because I was totally unable to commit myself to making an actual outline (which, truthfully, I've only ever done with "What Comes After"--and you see how well that has worked out). I'd have to be free to not care if it actually sucks pretty hard.
Plus, 50,000 words in a month? Wow. That's a lot for me. I figure that's about 12,500 words a week. That's 2,500 five days a week--because I doubt I'd get anything done on Sundays and Wednesdays since I'm gone too much. That's not even including how busy I'd be during the holidays in November. I really don't know if I have that kind of word power in me. Especially with me being so tired and stressed. It feels daunting. It's feels impossible. I'm pretty convinced that I wouldn't meet the required 50,000 in the time limit. This is me feeling panicky at just the thought--0_0.
Still, I really want to try just to see if I can do it. To see what it would be like to write completely from my own imagination a complete original work. I've wanted to give it a try for years, but just never have because something always keeps me from committing to it. I have so many doubts and fears, but a strong desire to just do it and see where it goes.
I'm not posting this hoping you guys will let me "off the hook" regarding any of my commitments--because even if you do, I still have to answer to my own conscience. I hope, as well, that I'm not coming off whiny--but, I just felt like talking about it. Throwing my fears out there and seeing if it makes things better.