I decided to try something different tonight as I watched the episode. I actually typed notes as I went so I wouldn't lose track of things that happened earlier in the episode. But, it turns out, that all the things that stuck out most in my mind were so unforgettable, I doubt it was necessary.
Before you continue reading, please understand that as I write this, I'm still coming off of the emotional high of having watched the episode. I just thought I'd throw that out there before you continue. No need in causing anyone any undue stress...including myself.
Here is a preview of what you will find:
Oh, Sam. *tears*
Oh, Dean. *tears*
Oh, noes, Anna!
*sniff* Boys? *cries*
Now, the long version:
The first thing I really took note of in the episode was Dean calling Sam Sammy again. It's been quite a while since he's really used it much. But, if I remember correctly, he used it more than once tonight--each Sammy stabbing me further in the heart. You know, I suspected that trying to save Sam, trying to take the burden of stopping the apocalypse off of Sam's shoulders would be the reason Dean would swear allegiance with the angels. I can't be surprised by that at all.
Of course Dean would do anything to spare his brother all of this. Of course he'd continue to look out for him. It's his one job in life, right? And one he does out of love. I also noticed that while Bobby might have wondered if it'd be better to sacrifice Sam for the greater good, he was still firmly on Dean's side. Bobby felt Dean was doing the right thing for Sam. Maybe not for the world, but definitely for Sam. I had a gut feeling Dean would always choose to let the world burn if that's what it took to save Sam. Maybe that's not right, but that's love...and, yay, Bobby!
I was relieved to see it was Bobby's idea to tie Sam down. Anything to keep people off Dean's back. I choose to believe it was Dean's idea to put the cloth pads in between Sam's wrists and the cuffs to help make it more comfortable and less likely to tear Sam's wrists. Dean doesn't want to hurt Sam and you could plainly see it was tearing him up to do this to Sam.
All the scenes between Bobby and Dean tonight were just wonderful. I love Bobby so much and his interactions with Dean were some of the best from the episode tonight. I'm glad Dean has Bobby through all this. He's gonna need him.
*chants: please don't kill Bobby, please don't kill Bobby*
The very next thing on my agenda had my jaw dropping to the floor. Seriously, a jaw-dropper. CASTIEL, you fiend! You let Sam go! Why, Cas? We trusted you? Dean is trying to find reasons to trust you and you do this? I suspect that your bosses WANT the apocalypse to come--but why? And poor Anna. You should look guilty, you naughty, naughty angel. You have a LOT to answer for Cas.
*shakes head sadly in disappointment*
Yep, Cas definitely has some 'splainin' to do. *crosses arms and taps foot* But, so does Sam. Maybe MORE so. First, he clocks poor Bobby right in the kisser! I mean, c'mon Sam! Bobby would've let you go. You could see it in his eyes--no way would he have pulled that trigger. Yeah, okay, so maybe you needed some time to get ahead--but that was harsh, dude. VERY harsh. The man is your elder and you smashed him in the face.
You can't hide from Dean...that dude knows his stuff. He's too good. I knew Dean would have little trouble finding Sam. Seems something new we've learned about Dean this year is that he's great at tracking Sam. Seems he found him pretty quickly too--Honeymoon suite, indeed.
So, the confrontation. There for a while I believed Sam really was sorry about all this. For a while, I felt for him and his desire to have Dean trust him. I almost wanted Dean to agree--almost. I stopped at one point and wondered if maybe Sam was right...maybe it was Dean's turn to trust him and let him lead. But, as soon as Sam attacked his brother and tried to choke the life out of him--then left him lying on the floor like that--I pretty well stopped feeling sorry for Sam at that very moment.
It's one thing to be angry and hurt over Dean's words--but to try to kill him? Just--NO. And the look on Sam's face! He didn't even LOOK like Sam. He looked like the monster Dean accused him of being. He looked like he didn't even care anymore...
The one thing the show could do right now that would make me the most angry, one that I fear with a vengeance, is that they'll twist this all around into Dean being wrong and Sam being right. That Dean will break the seal and bring on Lucifer...that he will somehow, once again, be the one to blame for all the bad.
With what has happened in the last three or four episodes, I really need to see Sam be the one to re-initiate the bond between him and Dean and the one needing to ask forgiveness. How can what he's doing be right? He's drinking demon's blood, for pity's sake, he's choked Dean. He's walked away again--and this time is so much worse than all the other times--and I really need to see Sam show remorse, regret and longing for Dean--to be the one who has to accept responsibility for this mess. Dean did it last year and now I expect for it to be Sam's turn.
I'm sorry if that makes people angry...but after what happened in the motel room, it's the only thing that would fully satisfy me.
Once I got passed how irritated I was at Sam, though, I had another thought. Forgive me if this offends (I know all people have a right to their own feelings), but as I watched Sam and Dean tear each other up (because I'm still able to recognize that hurt was going on for both of them) I realized that I was even more irritated with the people who WANTED to see this happen. The people who wanted Sam vs Dean and enjoyed watching them fight. Personally, I found it heartbreaking and I cannot understand why anyone would enjoy watching them hurt each other like that. I hate it. HATE. IT.
This storyline cannot get over fast enough for me. I never wanted it and now that it's here, it can't be done fast enough. Of course, I have a very strong feeling that it will overlap into the 5th season. :(
I don't like the boys fighting, I don't like Cas being an ass and I don't like Ruby being so sugary sweet while she whispers destruction in Sam's ear. If it turns out that she's on the "right" side of things, I'll be more than a little disappointed.
I know I've skipped all the hallucinations Sam had--and they were very revealing and cool at the time, I actually felt sorry for Sam and wanted to comfort him--but after what I saw in Sam at the end, it just didn't seem important anymore. I know that was probably the moment we were supposed to see Sam's motivations and fears, but none of that justifies how angry and ruthless he became in the end. Nothing would please me more than to see Ruby turn out to be 100% evil and for Sam to feel like a smuck.
I'm having a real hard time reconciling my love of Sammy with my feelings toward Sam. It's hard to feel angry at a character I adore. But, ultimately, my heart belongs to Dean...and I feel so bad for him right now. I know he's ripped up inside over what has happened to Sam. Plus, I'm sure he'll feel guilty later for saying those words to Sam. Gah. Show, you'd better fix this quick. I totally feel like my mood picture.
I'm still processing this whole episode along with the spoilers I know of--and so I'm sorry if this is raw and hugely biased--but that's where I am right now. There may be huge amount of mistakes up there, but I'm too wrung out to fix them all tonight.